Who were you keeping your body for? │© Fola Daniel Adelesi

Ever since I was a kid I have been told the value of keeping yourself either as a man or as a woman for the person you will eventually marry. Although the story eventually tilted more to the side of the women, I later heard a lot of young women saying they were keeping themselves for their men – husbands to be. Some men also said they were keeping themselves and sure did until they were married.  Several sermons have been preached in this regard and you probably have heard many more than I can make references to. Nevertheless, I found something to be very interesting.

I have been a professional master of ceremony for more than five years and I seem to get excited each time I have to compere a wedding. I come up with all sorts of jokes and rules for married people when I am at the wedding just to make it really interesting. One day, I think it was in 2010 or 2011, when I went to anchor a wedding in Ogun State, Nigeria, the chairman of the occasion who also happened to be a pastor discredited one of the things I said and reminded the audience that I was not married. I was a bit disappointed because I expected him to encourage the newlyweds in that regard.

My offence was to have told the couple to make sure that they got a kiss every morning, afternoon and evening. I took it a step further by telling them to make sure they had regular sex. In fact, what I said was that they should have sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was speaking out of innocence. I didn’t realize how much of a big issue sex had become amongst married people.

I eventually got married a year after that wedding. It was then I began to understand what the chairman of the occasion meant when he reacted to my statement asking the couple to have sex as often as possible. As you know, there’s honeymoon after the wedding so I guess the honey was enough to last us till …never mind! This is not about me. I then started hearing series of stories on how men were being denied sex by their wives. I guess the only reason I even heard these stories in the first place is because these people now know that I am married and they could share things with me without reservation. A pastor recently told me how he had counseled a couple who have had prolonged issues. Their assembly pastor had tried many other options but nothing worked so they were referred to this pastor. Being a very blunt pastor, he confronted the woman and asked, ‘why have you been punishing your husband with the power of sex?’

Don’t let me go into all the details you already know about how they say the makeup of the man is different from the makeup of the woman. I saw a TV soap recently and it brought back all these memories but with a question for the ladies. If you are not going to let your husband have you to himself, who then have you been keeping your body for? Why did you marry as a virgin if, as some people would say, you would only grant occasional access to the man you claim you had been keeping yourself for? As singles we thought that married people could have sex as often as they wanted! I really don’t want to say that I now know better. I can only say that it baffles me especially to see that some pastors, like the one at the wedding that discredited my statement, are not encouraging couples to do what they are supposed to to.

I have heard series of excuses from women and they continue to make these excuses regardless of what you say to some of them. While making excuses, some of them have lost their place in their husbands’ homes. A few others have been very lucky to have perfect gentle men who either suffer in silence or indulge in some other habits – like working late, watching late night movies, drinking and many more – just to pretend that all is well.

So that it does not look like this is only about sex, let me remind you how powerful sex can be or some of the miracles sex can work in your marriage. Communication is my field and everyone seems to agree that communication will make the marriage work. Unfortunately, a lot of women try to approach it from only one angle which is to talk. I bet that the man you are married to will not remember half of the things you are saying. Women want listening ears but also forget that if you are going to deny the man what he wants, there is nothing you can say that will sail through easily. Sex is a powerful communication tool in marriage. Sometimes, it does not have to be sex all the way. But if there is strong romance, it may still work like magic. Couples who share a more romantic life seem to communicate more effectively and it is my own prediction that they will have a longer marriage together.

There are two natural reactions I expect after reading this. The first will be those who will put up their defenses and the other will be those who might have a rethink and subsequently a change of heart. In all of these, I just can’t stop wondering who you were keeping your bodies for.


Fola Daniel Adelesi
President/CEO,
Edible Pen.

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4 Comments

  1. Hi Fola, am a follower and I always enjoy your write ups. I have been blessed several times. I luv this issue about women denying there husbands sex . It’s a fact and more than 70 percent of marriages experience this. As much as this a a fact, it’s a problem that needs to be addressed by people like us. What people read and listen to liberates their minds. Do you know some women do not want to deny their spouses sex but they are suffering in silence,which is a fault on their side and the men also contribute in a way. African women are brought up to be shy about sex and they find it hard to boldly talk about the issues they have with their sex life. Fola some men do not know the difference between having sex and making love! Some go into their marriages with the false idea they think they have about sex before marriage. No proper understanding of making love to a woman. If you touch a woman for the first time and you were very rough in handling her ,I can bet you next time she would be finding ways of avoiding you. Women too are at fault cos they won’t be bold to communicate exactly how they felt the last time you attempted making luv to them. Communication is key. He that made love to a woman should ask after the act, ” how was it?” The woman too should be bold to give a feed back of how it was. Some men just grab their women and before you can blink your eyes the act is over. Excuse me what exactly have they done.? Definitely not love making. Some women are always extremely exhausted, no help or assistance to reduce house chores and they are not ready to pay for a maid. The woman also goes to work just like them and comes back to minister to her husband and children, while daddy gets back and sits in front of a TV set combined with today’s dailies. Then after they have been fed they expect the woman to perform magic in the bedroom. It doesn’t work that way, whatever you invest in yields for you. Two points am making here both men and women should work on their love making skills. No one looks forward to an un interesting encounter. Treat your wife like a queen and see if she won’t say yes every time you ask. Nobody reaps where they don’t sow. In addition to that ,the women folks too needs to learn to open up. If they don’t ,they would suffer for years in silence and die in silence as miserable women. Sex is a powerful issue that cannot be over looked. It’s very dangerous to lack the skill or knowledge about sex as a married man or woman.. If a woman is not skillful or keeps running ,it’s an open door for temptation for a man to look somewhere else. If a man is not skillful and his ego would not allow him to admit it then he is in for trouble. The day another man handles your woman , that’s the end of the matter.
    Do you know women that are circumcised have issues with sex? If a man is married to such a woman and he is not aware of what he is entering into from the beginning he is looking for trouble. Knowledge is power when applied. I have attended a women’s program where out of 50 women in attendance only two of us were uncircumcised. I was shocked. Majority of them claimed they have issues with sex , while some are just indifferent about it. It was a day of total re orientation. Such women needs to be treated with great deal of tenderness to get a good response and cooperation from them. Their spouses better know! Am very passionate about this issue. I would appreciate if you balance your write up by addressing the male folks too. It actually takes two to tangle. Thank you.

    Tinu Smith
    1. Hello Tinu, thank you so much for your comment. I will admit this is the longest comment, apart from spam comments, that I have ever received since I started blogging in 2007. I am sure that shows how passionate you are about this issue. I don’t intend to be biased against the women. I have only brought this to light having seen that there are a number of men suffering in silence. Saying this out is also to help those women. And be rest assured that I will also come up with some articles soon to hit the men as well. I appreciate your feedback and have noticed your followers hip on LinkedIn.

  2. Since women often have a lower libido, men should go out of their way to make it worth her while. It should no longer be seen as a duty. Pre marital counselling should teach ladies that sex is a meansof communication and rejuvenation. I had a powerful counsellor n her voice rings in my head when I’m tired or uninterested. Lol. I see your appeal is to the wives of your friends who have complained? Correct me if I’m wrong

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